My Wilderness Walk

I had to delete this post because I was getting spam comments on it, so I am just reposting it.

I found this paper that I wrote back in April and thought I would share it!! It is humbling to read it after several months and realize how you are still struggling with the same areas. I know that life is a journey and my hope is that I can see growth in myself (even if it is slow) and know that I am moving in the right direction with my relationship with Jesus!!

While Brad and I were gone on vacation to the Dominican Republic in March, our youngest son, Kaden lost his glasses in the hay field behind our house while driving four wheeler. Why he even had them on with his helmet is questionable!! My mom and others had searched through the field with no avail before we came home, and I considered going out and looking when we first came back but just couldn’t get myself to go. Then on the Friday night shortly after our return as I was sitting at my computer on Facebook, I looked out the window and saw Brad, Ty and Kaden scouring the fields. I was prompted to go out!!

Did I find the glasses NO, but I had a spiritual experience. While on vacation I was reading a book called Pray Big. It talked about being specific about our prayers and that God cares for the little things that we do. The author gave the story about a gal who lost her room key to her motel while running and after going back over where she ran with no avail, someone asked her if she had prayed about it. She had responded with “no” she hadn’t even thought about it. So she paused and prayed and in a few minutes someone found them.

So as I ventured out, I had this story floating through my mind and I started praying for God to show me the glasses. I prayed and I prayed, I started crying and so many emotions started coming to my mind. If I pray harder then God will reveal it to me. If I just had more faith… and this started my conversation with God. Faith, believing, where did I stand with God? I believe that He can move mountains; I believe that He can heal. OR do I really??? Where is my faith? Is it conditional? How deep does my faith go? I battled with God. I felt Him tell me I just need to believe, I just need to trust. Trust, what is that? If you would ask me, do I trust God? I would tell you “yes”, but do I???? I caught myself telling God, if you help me find these glasses then I will totally serve you, but I caught myself, I can’t put God in a box, then I cried more, I just want to know God, I want to know what plans He has for me, what purpose He has. I cried out for guidance, telling Him that I believe He has a plan!! What is it Lord??

Shortly after I started, my 2 boys got side tracked by a dog chasing a rabbit and they ran off after the rabbit. I felt like God told me that is how I am in my Christian walk. Walking this road of faith is hard, slow and tedious work. It is sometimes not very rewarding, you can’t see what you are truly looking for and because of that we start running off and chasing “rabbits”, other things that look more exciting. Brad kept calling them back but they were too involved in the rabbit and the dog. I started crying harder, I didn’t want to run off and chase other things, I want to stay focused on God, but how many times I run off and chase other things, like food, laziness, shopping, human relationships.

I continued to walk and I continued to ask, “God can you show me these glasses?” He told me He could; He reminded me that He could have them show up anywhere because HE is God. So why didn’t HE? I wandered around the hayfield like the Israelites did. I wandered randomly around, and then I saw the sun setting. Follow the sun I thought, “Is that God talking?” I asked myself, so I followed the sun’s path, and asked “Jesus, you are God’s son, can you reveal to me the glasses?” I came to the end of the field and the sun set, no glasses. Now what God, am I suppose to find them?

Then I asked God for a monument, like the one that was built by the Jordan River. The Israelites built this after they crossed the river and God had parted the waters again to remind them of what God had done for them. I asked Him for my rock pile, Kaden’s glasses. So I could testify of how God worked in this search and revealed the glasses. NO glasses, NO monument. My toes were about frozen, I was emotionally exhausted from my conversation, do I give up? Does that mean I am giving up on God? No, I wasn’t giving up on Him.

So what did I learn on my wilderness walk? I’m really not sure, I’m struggling. I know I want to believe, I know I want to have a faith that can move mountains. But I struggle so much with doing versus resting. God teach me through this walk!! I want to follow You wherever you take me. I want to be surrendered and abandoned to your plan. Why did you have me take this walk through the field in search of Kaden’s glasses and I didn’t find them? I did feel you God; I know you walked with me!! But what do you want to show me?? I’m waiting to hear God!!! I wasn’t looking for glasses I was looking for my faith!!

The Controlling Young/Middle Aged Woman

Paraphrase to Mark 10: 17 - 22

17 As I started my morning with devotions, I sat down at my desk, opened my Bible, and prayed “Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
18 “Why do you call me good?” Jesus asked. “Only God is truly good. 19 But to answer your question, you know the commandments: ‘You must not murder. You must not commit adultery. You must not steal. You must not testify falsely. You must not cheat anyone. Honor your father and mother.’
20 “Teacher,” I replied, “I’ve obeyed all these commandments since I was young.”
21 As He looked down from Heaven at me, I felt His genuine love for me. “There is still one thing you haven’t done,” He told me. “Let go of all your control issues, your selfishness, your fears, your idol of food and let me lead your life, and you will have treasures in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
22 At this my face fell, and I closed my Bible and cried, for I have such a hard time letting go of control and my own desires.

In the past as I read or heard the story of the rich young man, I always thought of it as material possessions and those kinds of things. And yes, that might be what Jesus was speaking about in this parable. But as we know parables are teaching moments and today this passage had nothing to do with things and stuff, but all to do with my behaviors, attitudes, issues and what holding me back from living my life to the fullest. Jesus’ desire is for us to follow Him, to let Him lead, to love on us. As it says in verse 29 – 31 “Yes,” Jesus replied, “and I assure you that everyone who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or property, for my sake and for the Good News, 30 will receive now in return a hundred times as many houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and property—along with persecution. And in the world to come that person will have eternal life. 31 But many who are the greatest now will be least important then, and those who seem least important now will be the greatest then.”

Jesus has plans to give us eternal life, to make us great, to reward us with so many blessings, they can’t be measured. That is what is on God’s heart. He is asking us one simple thing “come, follow me.” Give up all the strongholds of fear and failure and trust HIM, put all my faith in Him, as it says in Luke 17:6 “If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘May you be uprooted and thrown into the sea,’ and it would obey you!

God is not asking that I have to have faith that is all mighty, He just wants my simple small mustard seed size faith, He just wants me to let go of control and self and rest in HIM, claim HIM and FOLLOW HIM and watch and see what marvelous things HE will do.