Wow, I just read again my post “The Road I don’t want to travel” and realized how that seems so long again. Some of you are friends on Facebook and know that I am ON “the road I don’t want to travel” and it has been a dirty and muddy first lap. I am amazed at what I wrote in that post and how true it really was. This past week has been absolutely horrible. Monday, the 8th when we got the results that he is having spikes and spike waves from his EEG and was told he will be starting on Keppra, I just crashed. I cried and wept for myself and for Bryson. As I have been learning from the bible study “Becoming More” by Lysa Terkeurst, not to ask the “why” questions, but instead ask “what am I suppose to do with it?” That is what I have been trying to do, it is hard, but it does give some comfort. As I have reflected back to all the other roads I have traveled in my past, I can look back and find purpose and understand God’s plan but it has taken time. When I called Brad to tell him about the phone call from the doctor on the 8th, he asked me this question “so what is different about this then everything we have been through before?” I answered him with “it isn’t different; I am just so exhausted from everything I can’t seem to cope with one more thing.”
I have let myself totally go numb this past week, I did not read anything (including my bible), I did not write, did not clean my house, I watched more TV than I usually do and just closed myself off as my heart hurt. On Saturday, I realized in my heart that I was tired of Bryson, oh how that hurts to say!! I love my son with all of my being and will do anything for him, but the responsibility of taking care of his needs just seemed too much to handle. But proclaiming the truth of that has helped me deal with my feelings and I am working my way through them.
So here I am today, I woke up with a better attitude and a desire to accomplish something!! I started the laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, made beds, straightened up the upstairs and was ready to exercise when I got a call from Bryson’s school that he wasn’t feeling good!! I just got mad!!! I wanted a day to myself, I wanted 8 hours free from him, and I was excited about spending time with my Bible today. But I went and picked up him and came home, and asked God “why” and “Now what?” God is faithful and He has still provided me time to read the Word today, and He has given me a desire to write today. I am realizing how therapeutic writing is to me. As I express my thoughts on paper and then go back and read what I wrote I am able to process better. So I am choosing that today is still a better day and I will get back to the source for which my strength comes, Christ and HIM alone!!
God, forgive me for blocking you out of my life, I felt You and I felt the prayers of my friends, but I just wanted to wallow in my feelings! Life hurts right now God, I am exhausted and tired, but my desire is to see you and to let you lead. God I know it won’t be easy and God I want to rest in you!! Father, thank you for your promise, that when I am weak YOU are strong!!
Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. (Psalm 61:1-4)
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