My blog description of who I am goes like this: am the wife to a wonderful man, Brad and the mother of three incredible young men; Bryson age 11, Tyrell age 9 and Kaden age 6. My heart is passionate about my God, my family, my church and my community. I am kept busy with my involvements in these areas. God has brought me on an awesome journey so far in my life and I can't wait to see what He has in store!!!
So what does that really mean? It is nothing unique, just an ordinary description of me, but who am I??? Yesterday I listened to one of Beth Moore’s studies from the Esther series and one point that she said is that so often we want to disconnect something about ourselves or our past and erase it, but that is really what God wants us to move in and might just be the link to His plan!! OK, so who am I? The truth I just received in the shower is “I’m a mother of a special needs child!” I have said it, but I have pushed it under, I have tried to see life as normal. I have compared my trials to those around me and told myself “be strong, this is nothing compared to what they are going through.” Yesterday, when someone told me “be grateful for what you have, you could be in Haiti” I again told myself, yes, butt it up, it could be worse, God is here He will provide.
But NOOOOOOO…… to me this all seems like an earthquake.
I have been living on a fault line, I am living on ground that is full of sin, I am living on ground that is unstable. The grounds shook 12 years ago when my firstborn son was born and I found out that he had suffered a stroke. I had to realize that my dreams for him would probably have to change. Through the past several years I have suffered aftermath tremors from the horrors of seizure medication and doctor’s visits, and therapies and battles with the school system.
Another earthquake hit in 2008 when the words Type 1 diabetes shook my heart to the core. I had to learn in 5 hours of training how to poke my son’s finger, how to give him insulin shots 4 times a day, how to count all of his food intake. The tremors of fear of what if I mess up: “I could kill my son” or “will I find him in a coma in the morning? And then this past week, another earthquake hit, Bryson’s seizures have returned after 6 years of being seizure and medication free. And this time, the impact has hit hard, I feel like the walls are collapsing on me, I feel like everything is crashing in, I feel trapped. I know in my head that my Jesus is the steel that keeps my columns from crushing me, I know in my head that HE will pull me through, I know in my head that HE has incredible plans for me and will work all of this out!! But as we all know cleaning up from an earthquake is a long process, it doesn’t just happen overnight!! So I am slowing starting to dig, dig myself out of these suffocating feelings. I am reading God’s word, listening to others who speak God’s heart, I am reading the promises He has for me, but the task seems long and unmanageable. I am tired, I am exhausted!!
I have to stop comparing my life to others because we each have our own earthquakes in our lives. God will provide for ME what I need, and He will provide for others what they need.
Lisa, stop comparing the road I have you on with other people’s roads, I give each one of you a unique journey to travel, and with each earthquake, I will provide, I will help you dig, I AM the strong steel that will not let it crush you and bury you!! I am here to give you life and give it to you abundantly!! I am here to hold your hand and to carry the shovel when you are tired!! You are MY child, I love you, just let go!! Yes, I have given you a special needs child for a reason, I know you were the perfect mother for Bryson. And because I gave him to you, I will help you, stop worrying, let go of the control, let go of the fears, march ahead with ME. Yes, I have big plans for you that go beyond the realm of a special needs child, but I plan to use that platform, I plan on using moments like this to have you reach others who are crushed and buried with their own earthquakes. Lisa, arise up out of the rubble and run to me, I will bandage the wounds, I will ease the pain!! Stop looking at this road as too long and dirty!! I am there with you to help you pave it into a smooth and joyful road!! Come my child, come and rest in ME!!! Love God
I think I need to rewrite my blog description of me!
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